As Christians, we are called to follow Christ’s incredible example of service to others. Many believers—especially those in helping professions such as nursing, mental health, and church—take this mandate very seriously. In many ways, this is a beautiful thing. Our acts of service reflect Christ’s love to the world, making it a better place and giving people more reasons to trust God for their eternity.
However, it is all too common for those with the best intentions to become overwhelmed in their efforts to improve the lives of others.
When Helping Becomes Harmful
One major reason for this struggle is the frequent lack of obvious results. We pour our hearts and souls into helping others, desiring to see them thrive, grow, and strengthen their faith. Yet, instead of improvement, we often encounter stagnation or even regression. Rather than feeling encouraged, we may start to question ourselves: Am I trying hard enough? Am I doing it right? What am I missing? We convince ourselves that if others could just see how amazing God is and how their lives could be better, they would make different choices. Over time, we begin to shoulder an unbearable burden—the belief that it is our fault when others fail to grow.
This mindset can drive us to try harder, pouring more of our time, energy, and emotions into fixing things. Sometimes, it even leads to attempts at controlling others’ choices—all in the name of helping them. But this desperation and guilt quickly snowball into feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, and complete emotional exhaustion. It hurts. It sucks the joy out of our faith and our relationships.
The Root of the Problem: Taking Too Much Responsibility
A surprising but common reason many of us fall into this cycle is that we take on too much responsibility—more than God ever intended for us. While personal responsibility is absolutely essential to growth and maturity, taking excessive responsibility for others is where helping turns toxic. When we interpret Christ’s command to love others as a duty to ensure their well-being—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—we cross an invisible line from being helpful to being dysfunctional.
Why does this happen? For many, the root goes back to childhood. People with a strong sense of conscience and a deep desire to do what is right often develop these traits in response to family dynamics that were, in reality, unhealthy. One common scenario is when a parent or caregiver leans on a child for emotional support that should come from another adult—often a spouse.
For example, a mother in an unfulfilling marriage may turn to her son for validation, encouragement, and comfort. The son, wanting to help, listens attentively and tries to make her feel better. Over time, he internalizes a damaging belief: I am responsible for making others okay. He learns that his worth is tied to fixing others’ emotional distress, an impossible task that sets him up for a lifetime of misplaced guilt and burnout.
This belief is in direct conflict with God’s design. God created each of us in His image, fully responsible for our own actions, choices, and well-being. While seeking support from others is healthy, ultimately, we alone are responsible for using the resources and guidance God provides to manage our own lives. If we are not okay, it is not because someone else failed us. Yet, those who grow up with the burden of their caregiver’s well-being often struggle to recognize this truth.
The Consequences of a Flawed Belief System
When we believe we are responsible for others’ well-being, we inevitably encounter people who agree with us—those who willingly hand over their personal responsibility and expect us to make them happy. These individuals avoid the hard work of making wise choices and instead wait for someone else to fix their lives.
This dynamic creates a cycle of dysfunction. The helper becomes exhausted, overextended, and guilt-ridden, while the person being helped remains emotionally and spiritually immature. They never develop the skills necessary to reflect God’s character or take responsibility for their own choices. Ultimately, both parties suffer.
Breaking Free: Christ’s Example
Recognizing this distorted sense of responsibility is the first step toward freedom from misplaced guilt and overwhelm. Christ Himself provides the perfect example of healthy helping with clear boundaries.
Consider His interaction with the rich young ruler in Mark 10:17-23:
17 As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
18 “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 19 You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
20 “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
22 At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
23 Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
From this passage, we learn key principles about healthy helping:
- Jesus took time to engage with the young man, demonstrating love, care, and kindness.
- He pointed him to God’s Word, rather than offering a personal guarantee of success or happiness.
- He spoke the truth directly and without compromise, even though He knew it would not necessarily make the young man feel better.
- He let the man walk away. Jesus did not chase him down or try to force him into a better decision.
Throughout Scripture, Christ consistently showed love and care while leaving people free to make their own choices. He did not try to control them or take responsibility for their decisions. This is the model we are called to follow.
Letting Go of an Impossible Burden
Understanding that we are not responsible for others' choices can bring profound relief. We are called to love, serve, and share truth—but we are not tasked with ensuring others respond in the right way. Their well-being is not our burden to carry.
This realization does not mean we stop caring or helping. Rather, it means we help from a place of health, wisdom, and boundaries. We treat others with kindness and respect, share truth in love, and allow them the God-given dignity of making their own decisions—even if they choose a path that leads to suffering.
Recognizing this truth can free us from an impossible burden—one we were never meant to carry. When we let go of misplaced guilt, we can serve God and others with joy, knowing that our role is simply to reflect His love while leaving the results in His hands.